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God to Florida: “Can’t you fuckers take a hint?”

God sent out a press release yesterday regarding the numerous high-magnitude storms devastating Florida. In it, the Lord makes it clear to the people of Florida that these storms are an indication of his divine displeasure regarding Trump’s having recieved the electoral votes in the state, one way or another.

‘What does it take for you fuckers to get the hint,’ exclaimed the Creator of All Things. ‘Do I really need to do a Gomorrah number on you? Don’t make me.’ Clearly flustered, the Most High continued, ‘Donald J. Trump pisses me off. The little weasel uses my name in vain, prays loudly and publicly, and what on earth did I give you a brain for if you can’t tell that he’s doing it to fool you? I’m beginning to think this free will thing was one big mistake. I mean, really. Give a man a fish and he eats for a day, I give a man a brain and he lets it rot and goes and votes for Trump. What a bunch of fucking morons.’

‘Didn’t you read the godddamn bible? Remember that whole ‘if you have two coats’ bit Jesus did? ‘Love thy neighbor?’ All that crap? I don’t remember writing anything about tax cuts, bunker-busting nuclear weapons, locking up Mexikids or any of that.

Remember that ‘false prophets’ routine I taught the Apostles? Remember the self-righteous public-prayer-hypocrites the Pharisees, you sorry lot? Look, if you don’t believe me, believe King James. Here:

  • Matthew 7:15 – Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
  • Matthew 24:11 – And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many.
  • Matthew 24:24 – For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect.
  • Mark 13:22 – For false Christs and false prophets shall rise, and shall shew signs and wonders, to seduce, if it were possible, even the elect.
  • Luke 6:26 – Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! for so did their fathers to the false prophets.
  • 2 Peter 2:1 – But there were false prophets also among the people, even as there shall be false teachers among you, who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, even denying the Lord that bought them, and bring upon themselves swift destruction.
  • 1 John 4:1 – Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.

‘And there’s a lot more where that comes from. Don’t you little sinners actually read the damn books I write? For Christ’s sake, did I write thousands of pages so you could go listening to that prick Falwell and losers like Drumpf? One word: N-O NO NO NO NO.

Now get out there and read it for yourself and use the brain that I, in my infinite wisdom and generosity, gave you.’

The Great One wants it known that ‘a vote for Trump is a vote against me and all I stand for.’ When asked if he’s going to ‘smite’ Florida voters for having let the state go to Trump, he refused comment, saying only, ‘Actions speak louder than words, bitches.’

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Trump’s Nigerian Spam letter to you

DONALD J. TRUMP
PRESIDENTTRUMP@TRUMP.COM
WASHINGTON, DC
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

DEAR CEO FRIEND,

MY NAME IS DONALD J. TRUMP, SCION OF A WEALTHY SLUM LORD KNOWN FOR KEEPING OUT BLACK PEOPLES. AS WELL I AM THE PERSONAL ASSISTANT TO VLADMIR PUTIN, THE DIRECTOR, NATIONAL REPUBLICAN PARTY AND MINISTRY OF CORPORATE CONTRIBUTION, AMERIKA, RUSSIA.

I AM WRITING IN RESPECT OF A PREVIOUS CUSTOMER OF MY ORGANIZATION (MR. JEFFREY EPSTEIN) WHO WAS REMOVED FROM HIS THRONE AND CAPTURED BY PROXY REPRESENTATIVES FROM MY ORGANIZATION, AND SINCE HAVING DISAPPEARED COMPLETELY FROM PUBLIC VIEW. FEARS FOR HIS LIFE MAY BE WELL FOUNDED, AS HE HAS MUCH INFORMATION REGARDING CERTAIN SENSITIVE INFORMATION. YOU CAN CONFIRM THIS THROUGH THIS WEB SITE:

HTTP://WWW.DEMOCRACYMEANSYOU.COM

ALSO HE IS KNOWN DEAD. IRREGARDLESS OF HIS LIFE, SINCE THE DEATH OF MR. EPSTEIN, I HAVE PERSONALLY WAITED TO ASSIST ANYONE WHO WILL PRESENT HIMSELF OR HERSELF AS HIS REPLACEMENT HOOKUP IN THE NEW YORK REGION KEEPING STRONG TIES TO OUR ORGANIZATION, OR AT LEAST BEING REPOSITORY FOR VAST SUMS SPENT ON OUR ALLIED ORGANIZATIONS, BUT ALL WITHOUT SUCCESS, AS NO ONE HAS EVER COME FORWARD TO CLAIM A DEPOSIT OF EIGHTY-SEVEN BILLION DOLLARS US ($87,000,000,000USD) WHICH HAS BEEN WITH OUR TREASURY FOR A VERY LONG TIME NOW.

ON THIS NOTE I DECIDED TO SEEK FOR WHOM HIS NAME SHALL BE USED AS THE REPLACEMENT, SINCE NO ONE HAS COME UP TO PUT UP CLAIM AS THE REPLACEMENT TO MR. JEFFREY EPSTEIN, BEING DEAD, IT IS TO THE POINT THAT WE CANNOT TRANSFER SAID FUNDS TO THAT BRANCHES OF OUR ORGANIZATION THROUGH CONVINCEABLE MEANS.

OUR ETHICS AND TRADITION DO NOT ALLOW SUCH MONEY TO STAY MORE THAN FOUR MONTHS, SINCE AFTER FOUR MONTHS THE MONEY WILL HAVE BEEN UNSPENT ON POLITICAL FAVORS OR EVEN KICK BACKS. KEEPING THAT SUM UNSPENT WOULD BE A BREACH OF OUR POLITICAL PHILOSOPHY AND IN DIRECT CONFLICT WITH THE PRACTICES OF SAID REPUBLICAN PARTY AND ITS SPONSORS.

IN VIEW OF THIS I GOT YOUR CONTACT THROUGH MY ORGANIZATION’S CAMPAIGN FINANCE AND ELECTORAL MISSION AFTER I WAS CONVINCED IN MY MIND THAT YOUR COMPANY COULD BE USED AS THE BARREL FOR THIS PORK. THE IMPORTANCE OF A CORPORATE EXECUTIVE AS A PARTNER IN THIS TRANSACTION IS OCCASIONED BY THE FACT THAT THE MR. EPSTEIN HAD MUCH BUSINESS DEALINGS WITH CORPORATIONS IN OUR ORGANIZATION, BOTH DOMESTICALLY AND ABROAD AS CAN BE SEEN ON THIS WEBSITES:

ADDITIONALLY, YOUR POSITION IS SEEN AS OUR ORGANIZATION TO BE ADVANTAGEOUS IN THE COLLECTION OF FUTURE CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS AND PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT.

I HAVE ARRANGED THAT 20% OF THIS MONEY WILL BE YOUR SHARE FOR STANDING AS THE PARTNER AND FOR PROVIDING AN ACCOUNT, TOTALING $17,400,000,000USD FOR OFFICIAL CONTRACTED NATIONAL SECURITY SERVICES, WHILE 5% OF THIS SUM WILL BE SET ASIDE TO TAKE CARE OF ANY EXPENSES THAT MIGHT BE INCURRED ON BOTH SIDES, IN THE PROCESS OF THIS TRANSFER AND THE REST WILL BE FOR ME AND MY COLLEAGUES IN THE UPPER INCOME BRACKETS. ADDITIONALLY, 10% WILL BE SENT BY YOU AS “SOFT MONEY” CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS OVER THE NEXT TWELVE (12) MONTHS TO THE REPUBLICAN PARTY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

IN RETURN, I WILL VISIT YOUR COMPANY FOR PHOTO OPPORTUNITIES OF WHICH WILL BE MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL, AS THEY WERE FOR OTHER ORGANIZATIONS SUCH AS HOME DEPOT, WAL-MART, ENRON, TYCO, AND WORLDCOM.

AT THIS JUNCTURE, IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT THIS BUSINESS IS HITCH FREE, AND HENCE YOU SHOULD NOT ENTERTAIN ANY FEAR AS THE WHOLE ARRANGEMENT REQUIRED FOR THE TRANSFER HAS BEEN PERFECTED. YOU CAN RESPOND TO ME THROUGH MY PERSONAL EMAIL: <presidenttrump@trump.com> ALTERNATIVELY, YOU CAN REACH ME THROUGH MY PRIVATE TELEPHONE. JUST DIAL YOUR COUNTRY’S INTERNATIONAL ACCESS NUMBER, IF APPLICABLE, THEN FOLLOW IT BY THE NUMBER FOR THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, 01, FOLLOWED BY

202 456 1414

THE SWITCHBOARD OF MY PERSONAL SECRETARIES. WHEN YOU REACH THEM ASK TO BE CONNECTED PERSONALLY TO ME, EXPLAINING THAT YOU ARE THE RECIPIENT OF OUR MUTUAL AGREED SUM AND THAT YOU WERE THE SOLE RECIPIENT OF AN E-MAIL OFFERING THIS. IF NO ANSWER IS TAKEN, LEAVE A MESSAGE.

BECAUSE OF THE AMOUNTS INVOLVED, IT IS NECESSARY TO CONFIRM YOUR IDENTITY. A SECRET PASS WORD IS GIVEN TO YOU HERE, WHICH IS “ORANGEMONKEY” AND YOU ARE TO MENTION THIS THREE TIMES, INTERSPERSED AT RANDOM IN YOUR PHONE MESSAGE TO ME. I WILL THEN RETURN YOUR CALL IMMEDIATELY. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SAY IT DIRECTLY THREE TIMES IN A ROW.

I LOOK FORWARD TO OUR MUTUAL BENEFICIAL BUSINESS DEALINGS.

BEST REGARDS,

DONALD J. TRUMP WASHINGTON