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God to Florida: “Can’t you fuckers take a hint?”

God sent out a press release yesterday regarding the numerous high-magnitude storms devastating Florida. In it, the Lord makes it clear to the people of Florida that these storms are an indication of his divine displeasure regarding Trump’s having recieved the electoral votes in the state, one way or another.

‘What does it take for you fuckers to get the hint,’ exclaimed the Creator of All Things. ‘Do I really need to do a Gomorrah number on you? Don’t make me.’ Clearly flustered, the Most High continued, ‘Donald J. Trump pisses me off. The little weasel uses my name in vain, prays loudly and publicly, and what on earth did I give you a brain for if you can’t tell that he’s doing it to fool you? I’m beginning to think this free will thing was one big mistake. I mean, really. Give a man a fish and he eats for a day, I give a man a brain and he lets it rot and goes and votes for Trump. What a bunch of fucking morons.’

‘Didn’t you read the godddamn bible? Remember that whole ‘if you have two coats’ bit Jesus did? ‘Love thy neighbor?’ All that crap? I don’t remember writing anything about tax cuts, bunker-busting nuclear weapons, locking up Mexikids or any of that.

Remember that ‘false prophets’ routine I taught the Apostles? Remember the self-righteous public-prayer-hypocrites the Pharisees, you sorry lot? Look, if you don’t believe me, believe King James. Here:

  • Matthew 7:15 – Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
  • Matthew 24:11 – And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many.
  • Matthew 24:24 – For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect.
  • Mark 13:22 – For false Christs and false prophets shall rise, and shall shew signs and wonders, to seduce, if it were possible, even the elect.
  • Luke 6:26 – Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! for so did their fathers to the false prophets.
  • 2 Peter 2:1 – But there were false prophets also among the people, even as there shall be false teachers among you, who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, even denying the Lord that bought them, and bring upon themselves swift destruction.
  • 1 John 4:1 – Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.

‘And there’s a lot more where that comes from. Don’t you little sinners actually read the damn books I write? For Christ’s sake, did I write thousands of pages so you could go listening to that prick Falwell and losers like Drumpf? One word: N-O NO NO NO NO.

Now get out there and read it for yourself and use the brain that I, in my infinite wisdom and generosity, gave you.’

The Great One wants it known that ‘a vote for Trump is a vote against me and all I stand for.’ When asked if he’s going to ‘smite’ Florida voters for having let the state go to Trump, he refused comment, saying only, ‘Actions speak louder than words, bitches.’

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Stork Theory of Birth to be taught in Arkansas schools

Stork with baby

DOGBUTT, ARKANSAS — In an effort to appease right-wing protesters, school officials in historic Dogbutt, Arkansas, have added a curriculum on The Stork Theory of Birth to their life sciences classes.

 “This is sound, established theory that has been taught to countless generations of children in our country and abroad,” said political organizer Peter Godsend, director of the Dogbutt-based Citizens’ Right-to-Stork Committee. “This school of thought began in early 18th-century England, and still uses the same scholarly scientific basis for its explanation of the complex, beautiful process of so-called “birth” that theological scientists did then.”

The Stork Theory of Birth contends that when a mommy and a daddy want to make a baby, God, of course, knows it, and sends a piece of his very own personal love, all wrapped up in the shape of a tiny babe, who is then carried to earth swaddled in angel cloth hung from the tender beak of a stork. Apparently, the species of stork varies from location to location, though the European White Stork, Ciconia ciconia is considered the industry standard.

“The proof is in the pudding, or diaper, at least,” continued Mr. Godsend, “if it weren’t true, why would so many people tell it to their children? Are you calling all people of faith liars? That’s the problem with you liberals you just tear apart anyone who disagrees with you in order to continue your twisted, perverse, self-serving, Satan-worshipping, child-hating agenda. I bet you’re in collusion with the Christ-killing Jews, aren’t you, you god damned shill?!”

Dr. John Paulson, PhD., director of the Dogbutt County School District, agreed that “well, sure, we don’t all believe in it, but what’s the harm in adding such a cute little story to our science classes, I mean, anything’s possible, right? Besides, I need this job.”

He declined to comment on the school district’s legal plans to defend their position in court should the ACLU or similar organization file suit to prevent the Stork Theory of Birth from being taught in schools, though Arkansas ACLU Directory Sheila Brandeis says an ACLU-based lawsuit is unlikely.

“For Christ’s sake, if they want to teach that the moon is made of green cheese, it doesn’t make it true,” she said, “and since they’re keeping jumpin’ Jesus out of it, officially at least, there’s not a damn thing we can do about it’not that we’d waste our time on a bunch of morons in Dogbutt, Arkansas anyway. And I can assure you that we’re not going to sue should they teach the Jackass Theory of Calculus either. I mean, this has got to be the best argument against so-called ‘intelligent design’ and for universal, on-demand access to abortion in rural America that I’ve ever heard. Don’t you think?”

As we went to press, we received a call from Citizens’ Right to Stork Committee director Peter Godsend, explaining that this earlier statement would likely be taken out of context, and insisted we quote him on that.