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God to Florida: “Can’t you fuckers take a hint?”

God sent out a press release yesterday regarding the numerous high-magnitude storms devastating Florida. In it, the Lord makes it clear to the people of Florida that these storms are an indication of his divine displeasure regarding Trump’s having recieved the electoral votes in the state, one way or another.

‘What does it take for you fuckers to get the hint,’ exclaimed the Creator of All Things. ‘Do I really need to do a Gomorrah number on you? Don’t make me.’ Clearly flustered, the Most High continued, ‘Donald J. Trump pisses me off. The little weasel uses my name in vain, prays loudly and publicly, and what on earth did I give you a brain for if you can’t tell that he’s doing it to fool you? I’m beginning to think this free will thing was one big mistake. I mean, really. Give a man a fish and he eats for a day, I give a man a brain and he lets it rot and goes and votes for Trump. What a bunch of fucking morons.’

‘Didn’t you read the godddamn bible? Remember that whole ‘if you have two coats’ bit Jesus did? ‘Love thy neighbor?’ All that crap? I don’t remember writing anything about tax cuts, bunker-busting nuclear weapons, locking up Mexikids or any of that.

Remember that ‘false prophets’ routine I taught the Apostles? Remember the self-righteous public-prayer-hypocrites the Pharisees, you sorry lot? Look, if you don’t believe me, believe King James. Here:

  • Matthew 7:15 – Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
  • Matthew 24:11 – And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many.
  • Matthew 24:24 – For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect.
  • Mark 13:22 – For false Christs and false prophets shall rise, and shall shew signs and wonders, to seduce, if it were possible, even the elect.
  • Luke 6:26 – Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! for so did their fathers to the false prophets.
  • 2 Peter 2:1 – But there were false prophets also among the people, even as there shall be false teachers among you, who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, even denying the Lord that bought them, and bring upon themselves swift destruction.
  • 1 John 4:1 – Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.

‘And there’s a lot more where that comes from. Don’t you little sinners actually read the damn books I write? For Christ’s sake, did I write thousands of pages so you could go listening to that prick Falwell and losers like Drumpf? One word: N-O NO NO NO NO.

Now get out there and read it for yourself and use the brain that I, in my infinite wisdom and generosity, gave you.’

The Great One wants it known that ‘a vote for Trump is a vote against me and all I stand for.’ When asked if he’s going to ‘smite’ Florida voters for having let the state go to Trump, he refused comment, saying only, ‘Actions speak louder than words, bitches.’

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The gravity vs intelligent weight controversy

Woman bashing a scale

Our children deserve the truth

It’s time to stop pretending and forcing your views on the majority of us here in America in the name of biased science. Gravity is a theory, and a controversial one at that. Get over yourself and use rational observation to see what’s really out there.

Just look around. Look at yourself. Be objective. Be a free-thinker for a change. That’s what the preacher told me to do, so I do it.

Have you ever tried to lose weight? Gain weight? It’s damn near impossible. It’s so complex and wondrous, so intricate, that the only real explanation for objective minds is that God decides not only the weight for each and every one of us at any moment, but the weight of all things in the universe.

We in the majority don’t mind, or well, we do, but we need to sound reasonable, so we’ll say we don’t mind, that you believe in the theory of gravity. But there is sound scientific evidence in the reality, I mean, theory, of Intelligent Weight. And we don’t want our children to be exposed to only one theory. This is the 21st century. We need to be open-minded and have our children learn the truth about the world. We want all ideas talked about–as long they’re ideas from western, white men, preferably Christian, or a Jewish, if we have to.

Here’s concrete evidence, and frankly, it’s much more compelling in my opinion, than the assumptionist conclusions so-called objective “scientists” come up with about the theory of “gravity”:

  1. You can’t explain why you weigh a certain amount. It just is. Even if you diet, or eat like Chris Christie you’re only so much in control of the outcome.
  2. Anything you can’t explain is a direct act or intervention of God. (For example, you studied for that linear algebra test but still got a D+. God wanted that D+ for you. Sure, He acts in mysterious ways, but who are we to question?)
  3. The food you eat was made by God. You are what you eat. You weigh what you weigh.
  4. Prayer is the best way to lose weight. Think about it objectively. Have you ever seen even a single overweight or obese or morbidly obese fundamentalist Christian?
  5. McDonald’s creator Ray Kroc is dead and with Jesus. If Jesus hadn’t wanted Big Macs in heaven, he would have let Ray Kroc live forever here on earth.

The evidence is overwhelming, as you can see. Unless you’re biased against God and People of Faith and want to Opress Us. Clearly, the best explanation for weight is a Christian Godâ„¢ er, I mean, a Higher Power of your understanding, whatever form that might take.

And we demand equal time in your children’s minds or we will hold our breath until we turn red-state-blue.