God sent out a press release yesterday regarding the numerous high-magnitude storms devastating Florida. In it, the Lord makes it clear to the people of Florida that these storms are an indication of his divine displeasure regarding Trump’s having recieved the electoral votes in the state, one way or another.
‘What does it take for you fuckers to get the hint,’ exclaimed the Creator of All Things. ‘Do I really need to do a Gomorrah number on you? Don’t make me.’ Clearly flustered, the Most High continued, ‘Donald J. Trump pisses me off. The little weasel uses my name in vain, prays loudly and publicly, and what on earth did I give you a brain for if you can’t tell that he’s doing it to fool you? I’m beginning to think this free will thing was one big mistake. I mean, really. Give a man a fish and he eats for a day, I give a man a brain and he lets it rot and goes and votes for Trump. What a bunch of fucking morons.’
‘Didn’t you read the godddamn bible? Remember that whole ‘if you have two coats’ bit Jesus did? ‘Love thy neighbor?’ All that crap? I don’t remember writing anything about tax cuts, bunker-busting nuclear weapons, locking up Mexikids or any of that.
Remember that ‘false prophets’ routine I taught the Apostles? Remember the self-righteous public-prayer-hypocrites the Pharisees, you sorry lot? Look, if you don’t believe me, believe King James. Here:
- Matthew 7:15 – Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
- Matthew 24:11 – And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many.
- Matthew 24:24 – For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect.
- Mark 13:22 – For false Christs and false prophets shall rise, and shall shew signs and wonders, to seduce, if it were possible, even the elect.
- Luke 6:26 – Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! for so did their fathers to the false prophets.
- 2 Peter 2:1 – But there were false prophets also among the people, even as there shall be false teachers among you, who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, even denying the Lord that bought them, and bring upon themselves swift destruction.
- 1 John 4:1 – Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.
‘And there’s a lot more where that comes from. Don’t you little sinners actually read the damn books I write? For Christ’s sake, did I write thousands of pages so you could go listening to that prick Falwell and losers like Drumpf? One word: N-O NO NO NO NO.
Now get out there and read it for yourself and use the brain that I, in my infinite wisdom and generosity, gave you.’
The Great One wants it known that ‘a vote for Trump is a vote against me and all I stand for.’ When asked if he’s going to ‘smite’ Florida voters for having let the state go to Trump, he refused comment, saying only, ‘Actions speak louder than words, bitches.’