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Voldemort’s plans in Washington move forward

Voldemort looking at the US Capitol

‘Muggle Enslavement On Schedule’ says Dark Lord

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has continued to wage a successful campaign to dominate politics in the United States’ muggle capitol of Washington D.C. The Dark Lord has cleverly disguised his greater plans for Ultimate Evil by convincing center-and-right-wing Americans that the so-called “Republican Agenda” is actually about lower taxes for regular working Americans, smaller government with less intrusion, family values, homeland security, and jobs, jobs, jobs.

“Fear and deceit are tremendous weapons in the fight for the souls of wizards and muggles,” said You-know-who, in an exclusive interview with DMY, his voice a terrifying high-pitched whisper. “While it might have been easier in the short run to cast a mass spell of delusion and control, such magic can wear off quickly, which is why we chose our latest methods of promoting patriotism, questioning dissent, and targeting other countries as ‘enemies of the state.’ We find the results much longer-lasting when people are afraid of vague threats like ‘Islamic terrorism,’ ‘bleeding heart liberals,’ ‘snowflakes,’ ‘treason,’ and ‘the economy.’ Little do these groveling worthless maggots know, there is nothing more fearful than the fury of Lord Voldemort.”

Mr. Mort’s group has managed to use this successful strategy to place numerous muggle high officials such as, well, pretty much everyone who is or has been or will be in the Donald Trump administration.

“I’m exceptionally proud of my faithful servants Trump and McConnell. They truly convince people that they’ve got their best interests at heart! Hahahahahahahaha! Ahem. Pardon me.” He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named took a moment to wipe the tears of laughter from white cheeks with long, skeletal fingers, took a deep, hissing breath, and pulled himself back together. “As I was saying, that Mitch, he’s a real go-getter. I haven’t even had to use the cruciatus curse on him. And that’s saying something, coming from me. And I must add that he looks quite stylish in those Death Eater hood and robes. Sadly, the American people are not yet ready for that. Not in the North, anyway. Heh, heh. They will be soon enough.”

While the ultimate goal of The Dark One’s group (the VOP) is racial purity, order, and unquestioned world domination, his strategists realize that the voting public may not be ripe yet, no matter how scared of terrorism and losing their jobs they may be. “Patience pays off” seems to be the motto of the Dark Lord, and baby steps come first. V-Voldemort himself waited fourteen years for a comeback after an unsuccessful bid to end the career of a young Harry Potter. But after setting a solid foundation for evil, recruiting new allies, freeing old servants from prison, and killing a few pathetic do-gooders, Mr. V is back on track and is broadening his base and even occasionally welcoming those he would have previously killed mercilessly, and in great, writhing, horrible pain.

“Pragmatism and fear are everything in the world of evil,” said the Wicked Master. “People are pathetic little fools, running around ruled by their petty little goals and loves. Once they realize the True Path-mine,-and surrender their will and lives to me, only then can they reach true eradication of happiness. Keeping that goal in mind, the next election is crucial for us. We only have a year and a half to convince the American people that they are helpless without us. And we will. Mark my words, you worthless insect, we will!” At this, the Master of Darkness transformed into a swarm of insects, which disappeared into a cloud of foul-smelling smoke and cruel laughter.

With the VOP’s last few years of successes in the White House, you’d be crazy to doubt him.