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The gravity vs intelligent weight controversy

Woman bashing a scale

Our children deserve the truth

It’s time to stop pretending and forcing your views on the majority of us here in America in the name of biased science. Gravity is a theory, and a controversial one at that. Get over yourself and use rational observation to see what’s really out there.

Just look around. Look at yourself. Be objective. Be a free-thinker for a change. That’s what the preacher told me to do, so I do it.

Have you ever tried to lose weight? Gain weight? It’s damn near impossible. It’s so complex and wondrous, so intricate, that the only real explanation for objective minds is that God decides not only the weight for each and every one of us at any moment, but the weight of all things in the universe.

We in the majority don’t mind, or well, we do, but we need to sound reasonable, so we’ll say we don’t mind, that you believe in the theory of gravity. But there is sound scientific evidence in the reality, I mean, theory, of Intelligent Weight. And we don’t want our children to be exposed to only one theory. This is the 21st century. We need to be open-minded and have our children learn the truth about the world. We want all ideas talked about–as long they’re ideas from western, white men, preferably Christian, or a Jewish, if we have to.

Here’s concrete evidence, and frankly, it’s much more compelling in my opinion, than the assumptionist conclusions so-called objective “scientists” come up with about the theory of “gravity”:

  1. You can’t explain why you weigh a certain amount. It just is. Even if you diet, or eat like Chris Christie you’re only so much in control of the outcome.
  2. Anything you can’t explain is a direct act or intervention of God. (For example, you studied for that linear algebra test but still got a D+. God wanted that D+ for you. Sure, He acts in mysterious ways, but who are we to question?)
  3. The food you eat was made by God. You are what you eat. You weigh what you weigh.
  4. Prayer is the best way to lose weight. Think about it objectively. Have you ever seen even a single overweight or obese or morbidly obese fundamentalist Christian?
  5. McDonald’s creator Ray Kroc is dead and with Jesus. If Jesus hadn’t wanted Big Macs in heaven, he would have let Ray Kroc live forever here on earth.

The evidence is overwhelming, as you can see. Unless you’re biased against God and People of Faith and want to Opress Us. Clearly, the best explanation for weight is a Christian Godâ„¢ er, I mean, a Higher Power of your understanding, whatever form that might take.

And we demand equal time in your children’s minds or we will hold our breath until we turn red-state-blue.