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Politically Correct Holiday Greetings to You and Yours

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all…

And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2019, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only “AMERICA” in the Western Hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)

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White supremacists in the DHS are sending coded press releases and nothing’s being done

DemocracyMeansYou has found a very disturbing page from the Department of Homeland Security that is clearly written in not-so-subtle coded form for white supremacists.

Contact your Representatives to open an investigation into who published and approved this. ( https://www.dhs.gov/news/2018/02/15/we-must-secure-border-and-build-wall-make-america-safe-again ).

Also attached as PDF in case it gets removed: We Must Secure The Border And Build The Wall To Make America Safe Again _ Homeland Security

White Supremacists in the Department of Homeland Security

The reasons this is so disturbing are:

  • This uses the “14 words” of white supremacy https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fourteen_Words in the title, adapted to a border wall
  • There are 14 sections (13 bullets + 1 callout)
  • In the 13th bullet, they clearly purposely use the number “88” which stands for HH or Heil Hitler (see the above Wikipedia article) and the number 13, which stands for the Aryan Circle (See
    https://www.adl.org/education-and-resources/resource-knowledge-base/hate-symbols) to show a percentage, which is probably not 88% and 12% but they make it fit.
  • This is an official news item on the DHS website. The person responsible needs to be fired, prosecuted, and the editors, or whoever approved it needs to be investigated to make sure they were unaware of it. There needs to be an investigation into white supremacists at DHS and other law enforcement, because clearly this person is not the only one, or he? wouldn’t have thought he’d get away with it.

Some more supporting information:

http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/explainer/2008/10/white_supremacists_by_the_numbers.html

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God to Florida: “Can’t you fuckers take a hint?”

God sent out a press release yesterday regarding the numerous high-magnitude storms devastating Florida. In it, the Lord makes it clear to the people of Florida that these storms are an indication of his divine displeasure regarding Trump’s having recieved the electoral votes in the state, one way or another.

‘What does it take for you fuckers to get the hint,’ exclaimed the Creator of All Things. ‘Do I really need to do a Gomorrah number on you? Don’t make me.’ Clearly flustered, the Most High continued, ‘Donald J. Trump pisses me off. The little weasel uses my name in vain, prays loudly and publicly, and what on earth did I give you a brain for if you can’t tell that he’s doing it to fool you? I’m beginning to think this free will thing was one big mistake. I mean, really. Give a man a fish and he eats for a day, I give a man a brain and he lets it rot and goes and votes for Trump. What a bunch of fucking morons.’

‘Didn’t you read the godddamn bible? Remember that whole ‘if you have two coats’ bit Jesus did? ‘Love thy neighbor?’ All that crap? I don’t remember writing anything about tax cuts, bunker-busting nuclear weapons, locking up Mexikids or any of that.

Remember that ‘false prophets’ routine I taught the Apostles? Remember the self-righteous public-prayer-hypocrites the Pharisees, you sorry lot? Look, if you don’t believe me, believe King James. Here:

  • Matthew 7:15 – Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
  • Matthew 24:11 – And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many.
  • Matthew 24:24 – For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect.
  • Mark 13:22 – For false Christs and false prophets shall rise, and shall shew signs and wonders, to seduce, if it were possible, even the elect.
  • Luke 6:26 – Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! for so did their fathers to the false prophets.
  • 2 Peter 2:1 – But there were false prophets also among the people, even as there shall be false teachers among you, who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, even denying the Lord that bought them, and bring upon themselves swift destruction.
  • 1 John 4:1 – Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.

‘And there’s a lot more where that comes from. Don’t you little sinners actually read the damn books I write? For Christ’s sake, did I write thousands of pages so you could go listening to that prick Falwell and losers like Drumpf? One word: N-O NO NO NO NO.

Now get out there and read it for yourself and use the brain that I, in my infinite wisdom and generosity, gave you.’

The Great One wants it known that ‘a vote for Trump is a vote against me and all I stand for.’ When asked if he’s going to ‘smite’ Florida voters for having let the state go to Trump, he refused comment, saying only, ‘Actions speak louder than words, bitches.’

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Things are so bad. How can I make a difference?

Start small. Make a call or email.

Get involved. Call your local, state, or regional Democratic party office and volunteer. Or volunteer for a specific candidate. Go out, knock on doors, make phone calls, distribute fliers. Donate money. Call for donations. Help stuff envelopes.

While you’re doing this, be kind. Always be kind. Be thoughtful. It’s a cliche of sorts that the difference you make to one person is the most important, but it truly is. Just look at Donald Trump to see why it’s so important to be kind. Look at what he has created, and brought up from the muck just by encouraging harshness, violence, and cruelty. And not just his words, but his policies.

“Be careful hunting monsters, lest you become one yourself, for when you stare into the Abyss, the Abyss also stares into you.” — Nietzsche.

Sure, Nietzsche was a syphillitic douchebag, but he also had a lot of words of wisdom, so we’ll quote him on that one.

Don’t argue with people online. Share your thoughts, but don’t stoop to their level. Be thoughtful and kind, and speak as if you’re talking to someone who, somewhere in there, at least, can listen. Don’t react. Respond. And never trade insults.

Humor helps me deal with all of this. I save the harsh humor for between me and my friends, where we’re all on the same page and know where we’re coming from. But gentle humor out in the world can make a huge difference in interactions.

Of course all this is hard, that’s why more people dont’ do it. That’s why you and I don’t do it all the time, despite how much we’d like to. But the only way out is by being something different than what you’re trying to change, or they will assume that at base you are just like them, only with a different perspective.

And while as humans, we are “just like them,” we are trying to follow our better angels and inspire fellow humans rather than just follow in their footsteps of “pissing off the liberals,” only the other way around.

Be better than that because you are better than that.

But never forget to get involved in electoral politics, too. Without that, the present and near future can be lost.

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Everything I learned about being a Trumpster I learned in Middle School

First day of middle school

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW about how to live and what to do and how to be Republican I learned in High School. Wisdom was not at the top of the educational mountain, but there in Putin’s country club. These are the things I learned:

Take everything you can get your hands on.

Winning isn’t everything; it’s the only thing.

The ends justify the means, as long as we’re winning. And the meaner the means, the better.

Humiliate those who are different than you.

Let underclassmen clean up your messes. Pay them if you have to but twist their arms into it if possible.

Sports are more important than books. Books are for fags, anyway, and you can always hire a black woman to read to you.

When you hurt someone, convince them it’s their fault.

Jack Daniels is the answer to many of life’s problems. Or maybe Jesus. Whatever.

Take lots of vacation’you never know when people are going to want you to actually do something.

If in doubt, lie. If you’re caught, lie about lying. Do it boldly.

Likability and popularity is more important than intelligence, education, morals, the truth, or pretty much anything. Except money. And Putin’s friends.

If you can bully your way out of something, all the better.

Every problem is some kind of nail. It has to be. ‘Cuz all I know how to use is this hammer…

If you make a mistake, play it cool and pretend it never happened. No matter what.

Fuck the seed in the little cup, fuck wonder, fuck education, fuck the kids, fuck taxes, fuck government, and go fuck yourself. Especially Hillary.

Everything you need to know is in there somewhere.

The Golden Rule (Them with the gold makes the rules) and conditional love, lying, and basic sales.

Apologies and appreication to Robert Fulghum, Author of “All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten”

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Why not give up?

Because there’s a future whether we like where we are now or not. Because love is stronger than hate, even though in the short-term it doesn’t always seem like it. Because no matter what they do, we must keep our dignity and hope. Because the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice (MLK). Because despair is contagious, but so are hope and kindness.

Because we can’t. 

Because the alternative is to live in a world that is ruled by rage and selfishness. Because there are more of us than them, even though they are louder and more obnoxious right now. Because they cannot be allowed to destroy democracy without a fight. Because they are slaves to their fears, and we are inspired by our dreams. Because others need us to fight, and we are protectors.

Because giving up and giving in is too close to consent, and we do not consent to this wholesale corruption, selfishness, greed, and cruelty. Because we are believers in kindness. Because we see beauty. Because we believe in justice. Because we believe in inherent good in the majority of people. Because we know that this is a minority of loud but powerful people, and we can defeat them in the end. Because we will fight for this. Because we must.

Because those before us fought so that we could have the freedoms and happinesses and rights that we have. Because we must honor their struggles. Because our we are fighting for our childrens’ future — all childrens’ futures, even those of our opponents. Because they may not see a world where justice is possible. Because they may not want a world where justice for all is possible. Because they are — whether they mean to or not — are creating a world of pettiness and cruelty and we will not sit idly by and watch.

Because our children are watching what we do and will follow in our footsteps or judge us for our inaction. Because we are driven by joy and visions of our children in a just and nurturing world rather than a world in which they dominate others.

Because we may never reach the ideals we have, but we will shoot for the stars and settle for the moon if we must. But we *will* shoot for the stars no matter what.

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Voldemort’s plans in Washington move forward

Voldemort looking at the US Capitol

‘Muggle Enslavement On Schedule’ says Dark Lord

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has continued to wage a successful campaign to dominate politics in the United States’ muggle capitol of Washington D.C. The Dark Lord has cleverly disguised his greater plans for Ultimate Evil by convincing center-and-right-wing Americans that the so-called “Republican Agenda” is actually about lower taxes for regular working Americans, smaller government with less intrusion, family values, homeland security, and jobs, jobs, jobs.

“Fear and deceit are tremendous weapons in the fight for the souls of wizards and muggles,” said You-know-who, in an exclusive interview with DMY, his voice a terrifying high-pitched whisper. “While it might have been easier in the short run to cast a mass spell of delusion and control, such magic can wear off quickly, which is why we chose our latest methods of promoting patriotism, questioning dissent, and targeting other countries as ‘enemies of the state.’ We find the results much longer-lasting when people are afraid of vague threats like ‘Islamic terrorism,’ ‘bleeding heart liberals,’ ‘snowflakes,’ ‘treason,’ and ‘the economy.’ Little do these groveling worthless maggots know, there is nothing more fearful than the fury of Lord Voldemort.”

Mr. Mort’s group has managed to use this successful strategy to place numerous muggle high officials such as, well, pretty much everyone who is or has been or will be in the Donald Trump administration.

“I’m exceptionally proud of my faithful servants Trump and McConnell. They truly convince people that they’ve got their best interests at heart! Hahahahahahahaha! Ahem. Pardon me.” He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named took a moment to wipe the tears of laughter from white cheeks with long, skeletal fingers, took a deep, hissing breath, and pulled himself back together. “As I was saying, that Mitch, he’s a real go-getter. I haven’t even had to use the cruciatus curse on him. And that’s saying something, coming from me. And I must add that he looks quite stylish in those Death Eater hood and robes. Sadly, the American people are not yet ready for that. Not in the North, anyway. Heh, heh. They will be soon enough.”

While the ultimate goal of The Dark One’s group (the VOP) is racial purity, order, and unquestioned world domination, his strategists realize that the voting public may not be ripe yet, no matter how scared of terrorism and losing their jobs they may be. “Patience pays off” seems to be the motto of the Dark Lord, and baby steps come first. V-Voldemort himself waited fourteen years for a comeback after an unsuccessful bid to end the career of a young Harry Potter. But after setting a solid foundation for evil, recruiting new allies, freeing old servants from prison, and killing a few pathetic do-gooders, Mr. V is back on track and is broadening his base and even occasionally welcoming those he would have previously killed mercilessly, and in great, writhing, horrible pain.

“Pragmatism and fear are everything in the world of evil,” said the Wicked Master. “People are pathetic little fools, running around ruled by their petty little goals and loves. Once they realize the True Path-mine,-and surrender their will and lives to me, only then can they reach true eradication of happiness. Keeping that goal in mind, the next election is crucial for us. We only have a year and a half to convince the American people that they are helpless without us. And we will. Mark my words, you worthless insect, we will!” At this, the Master of Darkness transformed into a swarm of insects, which disappeared into a cloud of foul-smelling smoke and cruel laughter.

With the VOP’s last few years of successes in the White House, you’d be crazy to doubt him.

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Trump’s Nigerian Spam letter to you

DONALD J. TRUMP
PRESIDENTTRUMP@TRUMP.COM
WASHINGTON, DC
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

DEAR CEO FRIEND,

MY NAME IS DONALD J. TRUMP, SCION OF A WEALTHY SLUM LORD KNOWN FOR KEEPING OUT BLACK PEOPLES. AS WELL I AM THE PERSONAL ASSISTANT TO VLADMIR PUTIN, THE DIRECTOR, NATIONAL REPUBLICAN PARTY AND MINISTRY OF CORPORATE CONTRIBUTION, AMERIKA, RUSSIA.

I AM WRITING IN RESPECT OF A PREVIOUS CUSTOMER OF MY ORGANIZATION (MR. JEFFREY EPSTEIN) WHO WAS REMOVED FROM HIS THRONE AND CAPTURED BY PROXY REPRESENTATIVES FROM MY ORGANIZATION, AND SINCE HAVING DISAPPEARED COMPLETELY FROM PUBLIC VIEW. FEARS FOR HIS LIFE MAY BE WELL FOUNDED, AS HE HAS MUCH INFORMATION REGARDING CERTAIN SENSITIVE INFORMATION. YOU CAN CONFIRM THIS THROUGH THIS WEB SITE:

HTTP://WWW.DEMOCRACYMEANSYOU.COM

ALSO HE IS KNOWN DEAD. IRREGARDLESS OF HIS LIFE, SINCE THE DEATH OF MR. EPSTEIN, I HAVE PERSONALLY WAITED TO ASSIST ANYONE WHO WILL PRESENT HIMSELF OR HERSELF AS HIS REPLACEMENT HOOKUP IN THE NEW YORK REGION KEEPING STRONG TIES TO OUR ORGANIZATION, OR AT LEAST BEING REPOSITORY FOR VAST SUMS SPENT ON OUR ALLIED ORGANIZATIONS, BUT ALL WITHOUT SUCCESS, AS NO ONE HAS EVER COME FORWARD TO CLAIM A DEPOSIT OF EIGHTY-SEVEN BILLION DOLLARS US ($87,000,000,000USD) WHICH HAS BEEN WITH OUR TREASURY FOR A VERY LONG TIME NOW.

ON THIS NOTE I DECIDED TO SEEK FOR WHOM HIS NAME SHALL BE USED AS THE REPLACEMENT, SINCE NO ONE HAS COME UP TO PUT UP CLAIM AS THE REPLACEMENT TO MR. JEFFREY EPSTEIN, BEING DEAD, IT IS TO THE POINT THAT WE CANNOT TRANSFER SAID FUNDS TO THAT BRANCHES OF OUR ORGANIZATION THROUGH CONVINCEABLE MEANS.

OUR ETHICS AND TRADITION DO NOT ALLOW SUCH MONEY TO STAY MORE THAN FOUR MONTHS, SINCE AFTER FOUR MONTHS THE MONEY WILL HAVE BEEN UNSPENT ON POLITICAL FAVORS OR EVEN KICK BACKS. KEEPING THAT SUM UNSPENT WOULD BE A BREACH OF OUR POLITICAL PHILOSOPHY AND IN DIRECT CONFLICT WITH THE PRACTICES OF SAID REPUBLICAN PARTY AND ITS SPONSORS.

IN VIEW OF THIS I GOT YOUR CONTACT THROUGH MY ORGANIZATION’S CAMPAIGN FINANCE AND ELECTORAL MISSION AFTER I WAS CONVINCED IN MY MIND THAT YOUR COMPANY COULD BE USED AS THE BARREL FOR THIS PORK. THE IMPORTANCE OF A CORPORATE EXECUTIVE AS A PARTNER IN THIS TRANSACTION IS OCCASIONED BY THE FACT THAT THE MR. EPSTEIN HAD MUCH BUSINESS DEALINGS WITH CORPORATIONS IN OUR ORGANIZATION, BOTH DOMESTICALLY AND ABROAD AS CAN BE SEEN ON THIS WEBSITES:

ADDITIONALLY, YOUR POSITION IS SEEN AS OUR ORGANIZATION TO BE ADVANTAGEOUS IN THE COLLECTION OF FUTURE CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS AND PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT.

I HAVE ARRANGED THAT 20% OF THIS MONEY WILL BE YOUR SHARE FOR STANDING AS THE PARTNER AND FOR PROVIDING AN ACCOUNT, TOTALING $17,400,000,000USD FOR OFFICIAL CONTRACTED NATIONAL SECURITY SERVICES, WHILE 5% OF THIS SUM WILL BE SET ASIDE TO TAKE CARE OF ANY EXPENSES THAT MIGHT BE INCURRED ON BOTH SIDES, IN THE PROCESS OF THIS TRANSFER AND THE REST WILL BE FOR ME AND MY COLLEAGUES IN THE UPPER INCOME BRACKETS. ADDITIONALLY, 10% WILL BE SENT BY YOU AS “SOFT MONEY” CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS OVER THE NEXT TWELVE (12) MONTHS TO THE REPUBLICAN PARTY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

IN RETURN, I WILL VISIT YOUR COMPANY FOR PHOTO OPPORTUNITIES OF WHICH WILL BE MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL, AS THEY WERE FOR OTHER ORGANIZATIONS SUCH AS HOME DEPOT, WAL-MART, ENRON, TYCO, AND WORLDCOM.

AT THIS JUNCTURE, IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT THIS BUSINESS IS HITCH FREE, AND HENCE YOU SHOULD NOT ENTERTAIN ANY FEAR AS THE WHOLE ARRANGEMENT REQUIRED FOR THE TRANSFER HAS BEEN PERFECTED. YOU CAN RESPOND TO ME THROUGH MY PERSONAL EMAIL: <presidenttrump@trump.com> ALTERNATIVELY, YOU CAN REACH ME THROUGH MY PRIVATE TELEPHONE. JUST DIAL YOUR COUNTRY’S INTERNATIONAL ACCESS NUMBER, IF APPLICABLE, THEN FOLLOW IT BY THE NUMBER FOR THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, 01, FOLLOWED BY

202 456 1414

THE SWITCHBOARD OF MY PERSONAL SECRETARIES. WHEN YOU REACH THEM ASK TO BE CONNECTED PERSONALLY TO ME, EXPLAINING THAT YOU ARE THE RECIPIENT OF OUR MUTUAL AGREED SUM AND THAT YOU WERE THE SOLE RECIPIENT OF AN E-MAIL OFFERING THIS. IF NO ANSWER IS TAKEN, LEAVE A MESSAGE.

BECAUSE OF THE AMOUNTS INVOLVED, IT IS NECESSARY TO CONFIRM YOUR IDENTITY. A SECRET PASS WORD IS GIVEN TO YOU HERE, WHICH IS “ORANGEMONKEY” AND YOU ARE TO MENTION THIS THREE TIMES, INTERSPERSED AT RANDOM IN YOUR PHONE MESSAGE TO ME. I WILL THEN RETURN YOUR CALL IMMEDIATELY. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SAY IT DIRECTLY THREE TIMES IN A ROW.

I LOOK FORWARD TO OUR MUTUAL BENEFICIAL BUSINESS DEALINGS.

BEST REGARDS,

DONALD J. TRUMP WASHINGTON

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Stork Theory of Birth to be taught in Arkansas schools

Stork with baby

DOGBUTT, ARKANSAS — In an effort to appease right-wing protesters, school officials in historic Dogbutt, Arkansas, have added a curriculum on The Stork Theory of Birth to their life sciences classes.

 “This is sound, established theory that has been taught to countless generations of children in our country and abroad,” said political organizer Peter Godsend, director of the Dogbutt-based Citizens’ Right-to-Stork Committee. “This school of thought began in early 18th-century England, and still uses the same scholarly scientific basis for its explanation of the complex, beautiful process of so-called “birth” that theological scientists did then.”

The Stork Theory of Birth contends that when a mommy and a daddy want to make a baby, God, of course, knows it, and sends a piece of his very own personal love, all wrapped up in the shape of a tiny babe, who is then carried to earth swaddled in angel cloth hung from the tender beak of a stork. Apparently, the species of stork varies from location to location, though the European White Stork, Ciconia ciconia is considered the industry standard.

“The proof is in the pudding, or diaper, at least,” continued Mr. Godsend, “if it weren’t true, why would so many people tell it to their children? Are you calling all people of faith liars? That’s the problem with you liberals you just tear apart anyone who disagrees with you in order to continue your twisted, perverse, self-serving, Satan-worshipping, child-hating agenda. I bet you’re in collusion with the Christ-killing Jews, aren’t you, you god damned shill?!”

Dr. John Paulson, PhD., director of the Dogbutt County School District, agreed that “well, sure, we don’t all believe in it, but what’s the harm in adding such a cute little story to our science classes, I mean, anything’s possible, right? Besides, I need this job.”

He declined to comment on the school district’s legal plans to defend their position in court should the ACLU or similar organization file suit to prevent the Stork Theory of Birth from being taught in schools, though Arkansas ACLU Directory Sheila Brandeis says an ACLU-based lawsuit is unlikely.

“For Christ’s sake, if they want to teach that the moon is made of green cheese, it doesn’t make it true,” she said, “and since they’re keeping jumpin’ Jesus out of it, officially at least, there’s not a damn thing we can do about it’not that we’d waste our time on a bunch of morons in Dogbutt, Arkansas anyway. And I can assure you that we’re not going to sue should they teach the Jackass Theory of Calculus either. I mean, this has got to be the best argument against so-called ‘intelligent design’ and for universal, on-demand access to abortion in rural America that I’ve ever heard. Don’t you think?”

As we went to press, we received a call from Citizens’ Right to Stork Committee director Peter Godsend, explaining that this earlier statement would likely be taken out of context, and insisted we quote him on that. 

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The gravity vs intelligent weight controversy

Woman bashing a scale

Our children deserve the truth

It’s time to stop pretending and forcing your views on the majority of us here in America in the name of biased science. Gravity is a theory, and a controversial one at that. Get over yourself and use rational observation to see what’s really out there.

Just look around. Look at yourself. Be objective. Be a free-thinker for a change. That’s what the preacher told me to do, so I do it.

Have you ever tried to lose weight? Gain weight? It’s damn near impossible. It’s so complex and wondrous, so intricate, that the only real explanation for objective minds is that God decides not only the weight for each and every one of us at any moment, but the weight of all things in the universe.

We in the majority don’t mind, or well, we do, but we need to sound reasonable, so we’ll say we don’t mind, that you believe in the theory of gravity. But there is sound scientific evidence in the reality, I mean, theory, of Intelligent Weight. And we don’t want our children to be exposed to only one theory. This is the 21st century. We need to be open-minded and have our children learn the truth about the world. We want all ideas talked about–as long they’re ideas from western, white men, preferably Christian, or a Jewish, if we have to.

Here’s concrete evidence, and frankly, it’s much more compelling in my opinion, than the assumptionist conclusions so-called objective “scientists” come up with about the theory of “gravity”:

  1. You can’t explain why you weigh a certain amount. It just is. Even if you diet, or eat like Chris Christie you’re only so much in control of the outcome.
  2. Anything you can’t explain is a direct act or intervention of God. (For example, you studied for that linear algebra test but still got a D+. God wanted that D+ for you. Sure, He acts in mysterious ways, but who are we to question?)
  3. The food you eat was made by God. You are what you eat. You weigh what you weigh.
  4. Prayer is the best way to lose weight. Think about it objectively. Have you ever seen even a single overweight or obese or morbidly obese fundamentalist Christian?
  5. McDonald’s creator Ray Kroc is dead and with Jesus. If Jesus hadn’t wanted Big Macs in heaven, he would have let Ray Kroc live forever here on earth.

The evidence is overwhelming, as you can see. Unless you’re biased against God and People of Faith and want to Opress Us. Clearly, the best explanation for weight is a Christian God™ er, I mean, a Higher Power of your understanding, whatever form that might take.

And we demand equal time in your children’s minds or we will hold our breath until we turn red-state-blue.