ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW about how to live and what to do and how to be Republican I learned in High School. Wisdom was not at the top of the educational mountain, but there in Putin’s country club. These are the things I learned:
Take everything you can get your hands on.
Winning isn’t everything; it’s the only thing.
The ends justify the means, as long as we’re winning. And the meaner the means, the better.
Humiliate those who are different than you.
Let underclassmen clean up your messes. Pay them if you have to but twist their arms into it if possible.
Sports are more important than books. Books are for fags, anyway, and you can always hire a black woman to read to you.
When you hurt someone, convince them it’s their fault.
Jack Daniels is the answer to many of life’s problems. Or maybe Jesus. Whatever.
Take lots of vacation’you never know when people are going to want you to actually do something.
If in doubt, lie. If you’re caught, lie about lying. Do it boldly.
Likability and popularity is more important than intelligence, education, morals, the truth, or pretty much anything. Except money. And Putin’s friends.
If you can bully your way out of something, all the better.
Every problem is some kind of nail. It has to be. ‘Cuz all I know how to use is this hammer…
If you make a mistake, play it cool and pretend it never happened. No matter what.
Fuck the seed in the little cup, fuck wonder, fuck education, fuck the kids, fuck taxes, fuck government, and go fuck yourself. Especially Hillary.
Everything you need to know is in there somewhere.
The Golden Rule (Them with the gold makes the rules) and conditional love, lying, and basic sales.
Apologies and appreication to Robert Fulghum, Author of “All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten”