DOGBUTT, ARKANSAS — In an effort to appease right-wing protesters, school officials in historic Dogbutt, Arkansas, have added a curriculum on The Stork Theory of Birth to their life sciences classes.
“This is sound, established theory that has been taught to countless generations of children in our country and abroad,” said political organizer Peter Godsend, director of the Dogbutt-based Citizens’ Right-to-Stork Committee. “This school of thought began in early 18th-century England, and still uses the same scholarly scientific basis for its explanation of the complex, beautiful process of so-called “birth” that theological scientists did then.”
The Stork Theory of Birth contends that when a mommy and a daddy want to make a baby, God, of course, knows it, and sends a piece of his very own personal love, all wrapped up in the shape of a tiny babe, who is then carried to earth swaddled in angel cloth hung from the tender beak of a stork. Apparently, the species of stork varies from location to location, though the European White Stork, Ciconia ciconia is considered the industry standard.
“The proof is in the pudding, or diaper, at least,” continued Mr. Godsend, “if it weren’t true, why would so many people tell it to their children? Are you calling all people of faith liars? That’s the problem with you liberals you just tear apart anyone who disagrees with you in order to continue your twisted, perverse, self-serving, Satan-worshipping, child-hating agenda. I bet you’re in collusion with the Christ-killing Jews, aren’t you, you god damned shill?!”
Dr. John Paulson, PhD., director of the Dogbutt County School District, agreed that “well, sure, we don’t all believe in it, but what’s the harm in adding such a cute little story to our science classes, I mean, anything’s possible, right? Besides, I need this job.”
He declined to comment on the school district’s legal plans to defend their position in court should the ACLU or similar organization file suit to prevent the Stork Theory of Birth from being taught in schools, though Arkansas ACLU Directory Sheila Brandeis says an ACLU-based lawsuit is unlikely.
“For Christ’s sake, if they want to teach that the moon is made of green cheese, it doesn’t make it true,” she said, “and since they’re keeping jumpin’ Jesus out of it, officially at least, there’s not a damn thing we can do about it’not that we’d waste our time on a bunch of morons in Dogbutt, Arkansas anyway. And I can assure you that we’re not going to sue should they teach the Jackass Theory of Calculus either. I mean, this has got to be the best argument against so-called ‘intelligent design’ and for universal, on-demand access to abortion in rural America that I’ve ever heard. Don’t you think?”
As we went to press, we received a call from Citizens’ Right to Stork Committee director Peter Godsend, explaining that this earlier statement would likely be taken out of context, and insisted we quote him on that.