Fetus Terrorist or Property of State?

Let�s face it: Women have made too many damn gains in the past century, and it�s high time we do something about it. So, in keeping with the regressive spirit of the times, recently I held a contest where I asked the participants to come up with a new term to replace �woman.� I told the contestants that the commonly used term to designate a female person was simply too vague and reverential, and did not concretely capture her proper role in today�s society.

The contestants were all male, of course (for women are not competently capable of devising a new name for themselves) and they came up with some interesting ideas.

I told the contestants that the replacement term could be a single word or a blending of two or more words. Many of the contest entries favored quaintly alliterative combinations, such as Bleeding Bitch, Fetus Factory, Weenie Warmer and so on. Some were simple monosyllabic terms, and there were even two cute plays on the word woman � Notman and Woeman.

But the contest�s winning entry perfectly personifies the purpose of the postmodern maiden. To be sure, a woman�s role is to breed babies and be subservient to her husband. But really, a woman is first and foremost a slave to the state. So, fittingly, Property of the State was the winning entry.

Yes, Property of the State falls rather innocuously on the ear, and one would prefer a more obnoxiously offensive epithet like Bleeding Bitch or an adorable aspersion like Weenie Warmer. But those names don�t fully explicate the female function in society. Women do indeed bleed every month, and a certain concave element of the female anatomy does indeed provide snug enclosure for the phallus. So it�s true that women are enslaved to both menses and men. However, Property of the State is a much more comprehensive term, in the end.

Just think about it: If women�s primary societal function is to breed babies, then the state must craft legislation whereby a female cannot prevent her God-sanctioned pregnancy. Hence, some states now have a law that permits pharmacists whose religious doctrines oppose contraception to deny birth control to baby-hating whores.

I personally don�t see why the law should allow women access to birth control, ever; after all, God wants us to populate the planet to the bursting point, so that he can laugh at all the emaciated infants. God does love a good chuckle every now and then, you know.

And of course, since baby-haters shouldn�t be allowed to prevent pregnancy, then why should they be able to terminate pregnancy?

Never mind that a fetus is not an autonomous being, but rather a physical dimension of the woman carrying it; never mind that terminating a pregnancy is not in any way tantamount to killing a baby, since a fetus cannot sustain its own life and is therefore part of the woman�s body rather than a distinct entity; never mind all that blasphemous scientific blather.

The point is, abortion is first degree murder and the baby-haters who receive abortions and the baby� killers who perform them are among the crassest criminals. Because, you see, God believes that fetus terrorists should be tortured in Guantanamo Bay and then extradited to Saudi Arabia to be buried alive. Burying women alive is Saudi Arabia�s specialty, after all, and so we can certainly learn a thing or two from that magnificently medieval regime.

So South Dakota has the right idea in criminalizing abortion, as do the eleven other states who have abortion bans waiting in the wings. The American government already has enough on its hands creating terrorists in Iraq to worry about dealing with the fetus terrorists here at home.

Of course, if need be, the American military can simply start bombing abortion clinics, since they are, in essence, terrorist cells. Those abortion insurgents really pose a problem with their whining insistence on access to �safe� pregnancy termination.

I mean, even if the abortion-seeking baby-hater was raped, she should be glad someone found her attractive enough to sleep with her, and have the baby as a token that she was loved, if only for a brief, brutal moment. And if the fetus terrorist wants an abortion because she can�t afford a child, well, she should have thought about that when she splayed her legs in the air like a giant pair of scissors.

After all, the man is simply following his God� given instincts and spreading his seed; his dangerous dagger of an erection clouds any thoughts of contraception, and rightly so: it�s not his problem whether the woman he�s banging gets fattened up with a fetus or three.

The abortion insurgent should just have the damn baby and let it starve � at least the child would know what true misery is, whereas had it never been brought into the world, it wouldn�t have known the sacrosanct pleasures of starvation.

So I say instead of bombing the burkas off of Muslim women, instead of flexing its heroically hegemonous muscle in those sultry desert climes, the U.S. should work more on emulating those savvy Islamic theocrats. The U.S. is already halfway there, anyway. The U.S. government just needs to take away women�s right to work in any meaningful employment, and begin stoning and burying law� flouting females, and then it can work backwards from there.

Until then, I guess, we�ll just have to settle for half� assed repression of woman. Renaming her Property of State is an inaugural step toward the full� scale smothering of the feeble femme.

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Alison Ross is a passionate but peeved advocate for the poor and homeless. She deplores American fascism but adores American liberalism. She has had her sociopolitical rants showcased in Democracy Means You, Exquisite Corpse, Democratic Underground, Muse Apprentice Guild, When Falls the Coliseum, and Creative Loafing. She also venerates verse, and has had her poetry published in Cerebral Catalyst, A Little Poetry, Muse Apprentice Guild, Mad Swirl, and Nova Express, and forthcoming in Underground Window. When not writing, she enjoys reading, drinking wine, snoring, and bonding with her feline friend, Quetzal.