Karl Rove Resume

I have an associate looking for a job. I can not vouch for his integrity or his honesty, but I can say that if you have a dirty job to do, Karl will get it done. If you know of any openings, please let me know.

Karl Christian Rove

Karl C. Rove
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

OBJECTIVE

To contribute communication skills in a permanent position as a hatchetman in a rapidly growing political machine.

EXPERIENCE

Deputy White House Chief of Staff, 2004-present

Crafted political strategy and security policy for major industrialized nation
Smeared opposition leaders, members of media through misinformation campaigns
Kept outing of CIA spy scandal out of the media until after reelection campaign

Senior Advisor to the President, 2001-2004

Deceived large diverse nation into war on false pretenses
Managed personal conflicts of interest, including holding shares in Enron, Boeing, General Electric, and Pfizer while crafting policies and meeting with industry lobbyists
Used 9/11 to cement Republican gains in the House and take over the Senate in 2002
Raised money and managed political career of right-wing judge Priscilla Owens, coordinating donations from businesses with cases pending before the court, and then orchestrating her elevation to a Federal Circuit Court

Chief Strategist to Governor George W. Bush, 1999-2001

Orchestrated smear campaign against Al Gore, including manufacturing the appearance of Gore being a 'serial liar'
Concocted moderate media image of candidate as 'compassionate conservative' and 'uniter not divider'
Crafted successful whisper campaign against John McCain in South Carolina to win Presidential nomination for George Bush, including questioning McCain's mental health and implying McCain fathered an illegitimate black child
Organized emergency response of Republican politicians and supporters to go to Florida to assist the campaign's position during recount
Oversaw the incitement of riots and the intimidation of vote counters by flying angry Congressional staffers to Florida

Bush-Quayle Texas Campaign, 1992

Sabotaged Bush loyalist and state campaign manager Robert Mosbacher in internal feud over direct mail contracts
Fired for leaking information to journalist Bob Novak

Political Consultant, 1981-1999

In 1986 Texas Governor campaign against Democrat Mark White, Rove bugged own office and blamed it on his opponent
Successfully painted political opponent, respected family court judge, and winner of Champion for Children Award Mark Kennedy as pedophile through sophisticated whisper campaigns
In 1994 Bush defeat of Anne Richards, organized push polls - "Texan voters began receiving calls from "pollsters" asking questions such as: "Would you be more or less likely to vote for Governor Richards if you knew her staff is dominated by lesbians?"

Bush Babysitter, 1977

During elder Bush's political organizing, hired to run a Texas PAC
"It was really to baby-sit Bush back when Bush was drinking".

Chair, College Republicans, 1973-1974

Defeated opponent for College Republican Chairmanship by challenging the credentials of every single Edgeworth delegate to the 1973 College Republican convention and putting forward a rival delegation
Taught Nixonian dirty tricks to leaders around the country: "A report was published in the Washington Post on August 10, 1973, titled "[Republican party] Probes Official as Teacher of Tricks", gave an account, based on tape recordings, of how Rove and a colleague had been touring the country giving young Republicans political combat training, in which they recalled their feats of derring-do, such as Rove's Chicago heist at the Dixon headquarters."

Executive Director, College Republicans 1972-1973

Ran College Republican organization during Nixon reelection campaign
Supported the troops by not serving in Vietnam

Intern, 1970

Hired by Nixon dirty tricks artist Donald Segretti
Stole 1000 pieces of stationary of Democratic candidate Alan Dixon, a Democrat running for state treasurer in Illinois, distributed to Chicago's red-light district and soup kitchens with message inscribed: "free beer, free food, girls and a good time for nothing", ruined Dixon reception

SKILLS

Multichannel rumor spreading (internet, phone, direct mail, broadcast media)
Not getting caught
Smears and whisper campaigns

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Anonymous is a long-time author for DMY and has offered objective insight and humor on many topics. Anon is currently living in an undisclosed location. It is unknown whether Anon is Dick Cheney, but we doubt it.