From the Desk of Dick Cheney...

All Good Americans
Main Street
Your Town, USA

Dick Cheney
The White House
1598-C Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 00000-0000

My Fellow TRUE Americans:

As you know, it is not often that I speak to you, especially from the special secret quarters, here in my subterranean bunker. But, in this moment of national urgency, I feel it is my duty to speak directly to the 41% of you that voted for me and President Bush.

As you know, during these last four and a half dynamic years of unprecedented growth, my corporation, and YOUR GOOD FRIEND, Halliburton Corporation, has done wonders for the Middle East. We've made the poppies bloom again in Afghanistan. We've brought electricity to five towns in northern Iraq. We've treated dozens of Iraqi children for gunshot wounds. We've brought water to 327 acres of desert land, in areas that, two years ago, were only bomb-out craters. And, we've given the people of Iraq the same appointed, unelected style of government that we now have in America.

Yes, we've worked wonders for the grateful people of Afghanistan and Iraq! But, let's face it, my TRUE American compatriots, all these miracles that we've brought, with help and guidance from above, to our grateful little brown friends in the Middle East, cost MONEY. That's right, the green stuff with Andrew Jackson's picture on it. BILLIONS and BILLIONS of those little green pieces of paper, as a matter of fact.

But sadly, last week, in the US Senate, an AWFUL thing happened! FIFTY-TWO BILLION of Halliburton's much needed funding was DIVERTED, TAKEN AWAY from us! It was STOLEN from the poor, starving, forgotten people of Iraq, who are STILL so in need of housing, food, water and basic medical supplies. These are the VERY people that have come to love and respect America so very much! They still throw flowers in front of our tanks!

THIS IS NOT FAIR, AMERICA! It is not RIGHT to turn our backs on our GOOD FRIENDS on the other side of the world, that WELCOME US WITH OPEN ARMS!

Even the Bible says:

"Turn ye against the needs of thy own house, and busy thyself with the business of others that possessith wondrous oil." The Book of Village Idiot; Verse FL, 2000, Ch. 11.

And again, in Enron; Houston 2001, Ch. 13:

"Notice ye not the log jam on the Mississippi. But, pay thee heed to the toothpick in the pocket of the Iraqi you just shot, who was asking you for a light; but, who now floatith down the Tigris."

You see, America? Don't you KNOW what's at stake here? It's our sacred American way of life! Forget that bunch of wild heathens shootin' each other down there in that swamp! They're just common folk workin' their problems out. At least they're not robbin' the Quick Stop in YOUR neighborhood tonight! Besides, they damn sure didn't vote for me and the kid.

Forget the Republican party! It's history! You know that after the economy collapses THIS (!) time, we'll NEVER get back in office again anyway, except maybe in Trukmickeystan, or some hellhole like that. Forget all the oil rigs and pipelines we lost just because some silly Category 1 hurricane went "nuc'ler" out in the Gulf, due to global warming! It's all history now. It's all gone, anyway. What can you do about it NOW? So, Rummy, the kid and me screwed up a little. So what?

LOOK, the ONLY FRESH OIL LEFT, that we can actually get our hands on NOW is in IRAQ! We got the whole damn Louisiana National Guard over there. Those crakers'll blow up the whole Middle East, if we just give 'em a chance! We've GOT to keep goin' now! We can't quit! People, Halliburton's GOT TO HAVE THAT 52 BILLION DOLLARS! If we don't get that money NOW, we won't last two more months! Where will you and your SUV be THEN? You'll be in worse shape those those poor peckerwoods sittin' in the sand, waitin' for food, down there in Mississippi. Folks, you GOT to help out here!

I swear, we'll cut back on the partying! I swear, no more $100 lunches either! And, NO MORE prison scandals! We'll bring in some GIRLS for the troops this time. We just tried to economize a little to much on that one, that's all. I've already talked to Rummy. He swears, NO MORE BAD PRESS!

Listen, don't send the money to W., OK? He gets confused. And well, he's kind of an albatross (?) now anyway, with his idiotic little "We're workin' hard. We're doin' everything we can." speeches, down in Bugalusa, or wherever the hell he was. I TOLD him not to say THAT again! He can't remember anything.

We don't want to get the White House involved in this. And, we SURE don't want the PRESS nosin' around here! Don't talk about this! Just send the money, and send it fast! Just send it here to me:

SAVE AMERICA
c/o Dick Cheney
The Bunker
Washington, D.C. 20501.

I'll open up an offshore account right away. Not Nigeria this time, after all that leak business with Rove. I'm thinkin' WAY offshore this time. Mars, maybe. It's time for Mars. I could be King of Mars. I saw that Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. They ALL lived underground, on Mars. I think I could get to like Mars. Send the money. I'll get one of those credit card machines, tomorrow.

Write the check NOW!
Hon. Richard B. Cheney,
VICE President of The United States

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